it's like a black, nasty, syrupy feeling in my stomach. when i think of her or see her picture. it's a wave of sludge and i have to wait for it to pass. i don't hate her, i just can't get past the hurt. and i want to so badly. i just don't want to think about her anymore. how many times and ways can i say it?

i guess i still want to be that person to her, the one. there are days when i feel connected to her somehow, and then there are days when i think it's probably all just a crock of shit. she's moved on. i wonder if my current relationship is here to show me what she felt like in our relationship, always pulling back, never really loving me the way i loved her. i don't know. but i feel like i have a better insight into her character now. and i can honestly say that i hate her. i've been trying to deny it, and i would like to get over it. but it's a stumbling block i cannot get get around or over or through. i told someone the other day about my tattoo, someone i haven't seen in a while. and i explained it like this: that i must have been incredibly lucky and happy and in love to have been so destroyed by the end of it all. and that's what i try to remember. this is not something that i think about everyday anymore. i feel so happy most of the time that when this funk comes over me i realize i've forgotten how to talk myself out of it. i am a happier, better person. i am more mature, more caring, and certainly more cynical. but i'm the better for all of it. mostly. i want this black mark to be erased. i want to be able to open myself up again and love someone totally. but i guess it won't be happening anytime soon.

i was just going to bed a minute ago. and i realized it had been ten months. almost a year. and right before i realized that i wondered when i was going to not be afraid to fall asleep again. i wondered when it was going to be ok to talk about her or think about her. because i don't, not in any real way. i still get choked up. i still compare people in my life to her. and i guess on some level i still miss her. i've gained enough distance to realize what was wrong, but i guess i still and will always believe that it could have been fixed. i'm happier now, my life has less tension, less drama, and certainly less strife. but it also has a lot less love.

it's a tattoo, but it's also a talisman. for what i'm not sure. maybe to remind me of how much she hurt me, but also to remind me how wonderful things had to be for me to fall that far. to remind me to love deeply. that my heart is a muscle and will always heal. i'm not sure. but it's there and i feel better for it.

i am making a concerted effort (when i remember) to just try and let go of any resentment or anger or hurt that i still feel in regards to her. i think it's time for me to just move on. of course this isn't the easiest thing to do. i still google her once in a while, i looked at an archive from her blog and i swear the conversations she and her new girl are having are just as cute and dorky as the ones we had. and i wonder why she feels the need to put them up there. and i'm trying to figure out what bothers me about it. i don't want to get back together with her. i know that much. i guess it's just that by finding someone so quickly that makes her so happy, that seems to negate what we had. which isn't true. but it makes me feel that it is. so i feel jealous i guess that once again she gets what she wants and i am left out in the cold. i hate this part of the whole process when you really wish that the other person was missing you as much as you are them (at least the good parts.) so like i said, i'm trying to let all this go. i really am.

it was a pretty shitty birthday. my dad didn't even call me. and my family bought me things at the last minute. i'm not a big present hog, i really don't need anything. but i like a few well-chosen gifts that show that you know me. and these were not that. oh well. dinner out with the family was depressing and i couldn't tell you why. but i drove over to my friend's house afterward and i just burst into tears in the car. i think this is just one holiday season i will be glad to see the back of. i HATE being mopey. but it is hard to shake this time of the year. i don't want to be in love, i just want to feel like i'm doing something about all of this. and there's nothing i really can do. i don't want to call her. i don't want to talk to her or about her. i just want the memories to fade. i want to blow the world away with my amazing ideas. and if i don't work on this she will always be the elephant in the room. the one i never want to talk about or deal with. i don't know where she fits in my life. i am starting to question if what we had was ever really good for either of us. even though i know it was. but i'm not a person that enjoys being angry. i don't feed off of it. i like to deal with my issues. but right now there's a big heavy stone around my heart. and i can't just shake it off.

so this was the first month i didn't look at her journal when i got all pms-y and sad. and it passed without a huge amount of sadness. so i'm feeling better. but i blew up at my mom the other day. completely misplaced anger. and a friend showed up in town and i was eager to show how over her i was, but i ended up telling him that i really just wanted an apology from her. and you know, the truth is that i'm very righteous in my anger. it has a shape, a real palpable feeling in my chest. and i don't want that. i went out last night and got drunk so i could forget about my life for a moment. and i woke up next to a really fabulous girl that i just can't seem to connect with no matter how many drinks i have or times i fuck her. and it just hit me like a 10-ton hangover. i have to let go. sounds like a simple revelation, but it felt pretty huge at 5am. i have to accept the fact that i may never make this right with her. i have to let go of the last ties to her that i have, and that's my anger. because then i will always be wanting, searching for her in someone else. and that's not fair to anyone. i can't say this is going to be easy. but if i live my life looking backwards i'm never going to get anywhere.

someone asked me the other day if this new person was making me happy. and i thought for a moment and said, i think it's me that's making myself happy.

exactly

i was cleaning off my computer today adn found a bunch of ims from you know who. including one that was after we broke up in jan. of last year. and it was interesting to read. because in it it sounds like she is really asking me if i'm happy. and i keep evading the question. i mean i said i was, but i think we both know i wasn't. and in some ways this decision has really freed me to be happy. but i can't help but be nostalgic for the time when we were happy together. and a tiny part of me wants her back in my life. i even thought about just iming her and asking what was going on in her life. i'm trying to forgive her for how she treated me but i also need to forgive myself for the way i treated her and how i treated myself. so i guess that was my rant for the day.

i just don't want to care anymore. i don't want to have dreams about her or with her in it. i don't want to be in a funk when i see her picture. i don't want to mourn what was. i want to move on. i want this to be over with. and i keep thinking it is. until something little sends me reeling, into my own head, dreaming of the littlest bit of physical contact with her. i just want this all to be over.

the thing with this new girl is that she's great, i really enjoy spending time with her. i like that she's smart, and funny and a big dork. but there's no thunderclap, no poetry, no wooing, no grand sense that we are meant to be together. i just can't stop comparing how i felt when i first met m. i wish i knew if i would feel that way again. or if that was all an illusion. maybe we invented this great passion because we both needed it. i don't know. i just hope it's not. i hope i will feel that way again. and everything is still so unresolved for me because she never told me what she was actually feeling. and all that SHIT. and i wonder if that is because of where i am at. or where she is. or just that i'm not ready.

i went out to dinner with a mutual friend of ours this evening. and OF COURSE talk turned to her. i told myself on the way over that i wasn't going to talk about it, but i hadn't seen him since we had broken up and he was curious. so there we were. and he said some similar things to our other friend, that she seemed to have a very narrow area that she was comfortable in and that she could act like a human in and outside of that she couldn't function and was very rigid. i guess i am still surprised that everyone else was sensing these things. why couldn't i?
or maybe i couldn't because i never had enough distance until i was burned by it. it wasn't a stressful dinner by any means, but all of these observations are interesting to me. he also said that he seemed so confused by the way she did it too and disappointed. and this is a person she has helped a lot. so anyways.

the new person? still great? and getting greater. what's up with that? i was browsing friendster tonight and looked at her profile. of course. but i guess it's better than her blog. it's the equivalent of a driveby her house or something. i don't know. but her pictures made me feel all hateful and sad. i hate that. i just want to be able to either move on with this new person or not. without all of this baggage. i just wish i could hear from her. i guess anything would be nice. i just want to know how all of this made her feel. i want to tell her how i feel/felt. i don't know. i am so enjoying this new person in a serious, i might want to make this a bigger deal sorta way. and i don't want to screw it up because i'm still pining away. but i guess there's not a whole lot i can do about that. the second coming and all that.

bad news from my subconscious. last night i had a dream where i called her up just to hear her voice. and she wasn't completely mean or anything. we were both just a little guarded. and in my dream she was having a hard time at work and i wanted to tell her i cared. or something. ok. what's going on here. obviously still in love with the idea of her. even though i have this great new person. argh. what the hell am i supposed to do with that. i'm so happy to be home but i feel like i have this little shadow over my heart. i am so afraid that i will get hurt like that again. much more than i'm willing to admit apparently.

ok, but i am a little scared about this person. not because of her. she's great. it's me i'm a little worried about. i'm still so mad and so bitter. and i wonder if i should wait for all that to pass. i know i won't. but i don't want it to affect my life, i just want to process it. my mom took me to the liquor store the other night (don't ask, whole other story) and for some reason i just sat there in the car and got all teary. not a lot, just a little. and i shook it off. i'm trying hard to live in the future, and not hold my present up against my past. but occasionally i will be reminded of something we used to do together, or i think, right now we would be doing xxx. and that makes me sad. so mostly i avoid it. so i guess my question is this: is it unfair to this new person to start something when i know i'm not completely healed? or ready?
i guess i'm going to find out because i'm not willing to put it on hold. it is moving nice and slow (at least for me) and that feels wonderful. kind of like high school where you can't do everything all at once. and the anticipation builds. that is fabulous. i'm just not going to think about all this crap anymore. and concentrate on what is good.

i just knew that being home would be good for me. seriously. i'm hardly thinking about you know who. and i met someone. someone pretty fucking fabulous, and NOTHING like m. which is great. i'm feeling a little shiftless at the moment, no job no money and lots of bills. but everything else is going great. i'm bonding with the famdamily. i really knew that being home would help me just center myself and calm down a little. so i guess if this is my angst-ridden blog, i really don't have much to report.

ick, still don't want to hear about your girlfriend.

i know just how she feels.

i did the exact same thing when i found out that m had found someone else. but the situation was reversed. i was the one who was dumped and she just jumped right into something else. just thinking about that still makes my stomach drop. like how could you be so inconsiderate, so cruel and so quick? even if you break up with someone, there is still a lingering of feeling there, so what the fuck did she do with that? ignore it? or was she over it months earlier and just waiting for her chance to get out? either way she made every possible wrong choice. she hurt me, and then rubbed it in my face. she said she wants to be friends and then makes no effort to prove it. no gesture beyond, "get your stuff out of my house." no communication. nothing. i have begun to understand why her previous girlfriends cheated on her. honestly, and i'm not saying that to be a spiteful bitch. but it makes more sense to me now. and why she doesn't talk to them all that much. i used to tell her i didn't like how she cut people out of her life, little did i know i would one day be on the other side of that fence. i guess a lesson here is to watch how someone treats their friends because that's how you will be treated too. she was all black and white. for or against.

full disclosure about why i am having a hard time packing up my stuff.
this is where it all fell apart. everything that i thought was true about my life, good and bad turned out to be false. i came up here with a little bit, just enough to live on. after she brokeup with me and i had to go down and get it, i just threw it in a closet and haven't done a single thing about it. i know there's things in there i don't want to look at. pictures, clothes and such. i just want to leave it all behind, an archaelogy of my time here. i want to travel unencumbered, shed that past like a skin.