wow these posts are as regular as my period. just got back from josh's house and had a long teary conversation with his girlfriend, who i normally think is a bitch. and she told me what others have said before, that they find her cold and emotionless. but that her new girlfriend is nice. which is par for the course. i was nice too, and then i met her. i guess i'm not surprised, but the conversation had the momentary effect of lifting the power she still has over me. it didn't last very long, just until this morning. but still it was nice to know that there is some sort of light at the end of this long, interesting tunnel. i am in some sort of angry phase right now, and i'm not sure where that puts me in the stages of grief, but fuck it, everything is pissing me off right now. i'm so filled with rage i don't know how i got this way. and i'm having chest pains again. yes i'm wallowing, but what the hell. maybe i need to saturate myself with her before i can get over her. i've spent the last year studiously ignoring or avoiding anything that had to do with her, and my heart still stops when i hear her mentioned in conversations, or when she calls josh while i'm there. i'm just bitter and sad about it all. and i'm feeling like i would like to move on but i can't. not sure why really. just that there is a massive wall in the middle of this road, and i'm sitting at the bottom of it, staring up trying to figure out a way over the top.