i hate going to bed alone. i miss her. i missed her before, and now it's worse.

all i want to do is send her a note. i'm not sure why. i feel the need to sum up what i was saying yesterday. to say, finally, that what hurts the most, what seems to be at the crux of my problem is that i wanted to be "the one" for her. i didn't just want to change her mind about being with someone, i wanted to be with her long-term, for the future and for good. and i wanted her to see that, to see how it was a good thing. and she didn't. she moved on, quickly. and broke my heart just like she said she would.

i can't help thinking that i made a big mistake. i mean i know she did. i know she hurt me. but somehow i'm the one missing her. when i should be thanking my lucky stars that i got out when i did. i meant everything i said. except that i was the one she changed for. and that was a great feeling. i really thought i could make it happen again. i thought i could make her stop being afraid and realize what we had.

i miss her. this sucks.

so we finally had the talk today. after what happened on saturday. i guess i wasn't really surprised by her cheating. which technically it wasn't but still felt like it was.

so it boils down to this: i thought that when we said the waters were muddied and things were unresolved that was a tacit understanding not to sleep around. or at least to tell the other person that you were. i expected her to tell me. i thought i was owed that much. she didn't see it that way. mostly i just can't believe that she moved so fast. that's part of what hurts too. i mean i thought she and k had so many issues to work through. but apparently they weren't that huge. and i just am exhausted. i don't feel mad as much as i am just incredilbly sad. i feel like i just pushed my best friend off a cliff. i just miss her, i miss the person she was with me. not this new person who just moved on. i really loved her and thought we had a chance. i honestly thought we would work it out. i thought what we had was special and worth waiting and figuring something out for. and she didn't. that much is clear. i was going to end it this weekend when i went out there, draw that line in the sand and say goodbye. but apparently it was already over and i never knew.

so. fucking. frustrated. i just want for once for things to go my way. or our way. i want us being together to be a happy thing. and not an awkward and horrible thing. i want everyone to be happy for us, or at least not care one way or the other. i don't want to walk or eggshells or worry about offending someone when i hug my girlfriend. i don't want to hear her say that we're undecided either. i think our first instinct was the right one. to rip off the bandaid. to just walk out and not look back. because if this isn't a good thing for me then why am i doing it? i wish she had told me that four days was too many. it's not like i have that many days just laying around. i don't really want to go down to the city. not at all. i want to lay in a canoe or a hammock. i want to be in the woods. i don't want to be up in the air about this anymore. i want to know. and i think the fact that she doesn't know should be a big enough sign for me.

conditions for pursual
if, and that's a mighty big if, we decide we want to do this i want to stop being so cautious with each other. so much of our relationship has been hemmed in by other people's desires, needs and sadnesses. and i want no more of it. i want to be ecstatic about the woman i love. i want to love her wholly and without reserve and know that she is doing the same. i want to be the awesome and formidable team that i know we can be. and whatever our decision, i know that we will make it together. i think that is our greatest strength, that we are stronger together, better people when we are in each other's lives. all of that remains to be seen...

argh. i had the weirdest dream about tom cruise last night. it proved he was really crazy. all these famous people came to stay at my house. and he wanted to clean the whole house before he would sleep. so he sprinkled cleaning powder on the carpets and told me to vacuum it. i told him he had to do it since he'd sprinkled. but that i would toothbrush clean the pots for him. and i was trying to accomodate the crazy but everyone else kept bugging him and making it worse. like jack nicholson would just waltz through the house spitting and muddy to make him start all over. oh jack.

but i wanted to tell her about it. i'm still waking up with weird panicky feeling in my stomach. i hung out with j, e, l, and a last night and it was great. they are all really great. but i feel somehow like the fifth wheel. it's mostly fine. but there's always that moment in the evening when i realize, hey, i'm going home alone. and i use to be loved like that and i miss it. because i don't know what's coming. and i don't know what i want. a keeps telling me her friend thinks i am hot, which is lovely. but honestly, i don't want that right now. i'm not interested in teaching a new person how to love me. i just did that. and i'm tired. i want that person back. or i want her to acknowledge that i'm alive. i want to know how she feels. it's weird that we supposedly left on such good terms but now i don't hear boo from her. and i had a little talk with l about it the other day about how selfish she can be. i just don't understand, if someone is important in your life you respond to their emails, however briefly. and you make a point of telling them. and i guess it's a hard pill to swallow that i've dropped off her radar screen.

i'm home, drunk from alycia's friend's party. and i want to talk to her. but she's not answering. just watching alycia and leila is sad for me. i miss her. i think i made the wrong decision. i should have walked away when i had the chance.