ok, but i am a little scared about this person. not because of her. she's great. it's me i'm a little worried about. i'm still so mad and so bitter. and i wonder if i should wait for all that to pass. i know i won't. but i don't want it to affect my life, i just want to process it. my mom took me to the liquor store the other night (don't ask, whole other story) and for some reason i just sat there in the car and got all teary. not a lot, just a little. and i shook it off. i'm trying hard to live in the future, and not hold my present up against my past. but occasionally i will be reminded of something we used to do together, or i think, right now we would be doing xxx. and that makes me sad. so mostly i avoid it. so i guess my question is this: is it unfair to this new person to start something when i know i'm not completely healed? or ready?
i guess i'm going to find out because i'm not willing to put it on hold. it is moving nice and slow (at least for me) and that feels wonderful. kind of like high school where you can't do everything all at once. and the anticipation builds. that is fabulous. i'm just not going to think about all this crap anymore. and concentrate on what is good.

i just knew that being home would be good for me. seriously. i'm hardly thinking about you know who. and i met someone. someone pretty fucking fabulous, and NOTHING like m. which is great. i'm feeling a little shiftless at the moment, no job no money and lots of bills. but everything else is going great. i'm bonding with the famdamily. i really knew that being home would help me just center myself and calm down a little. so i guess if this is my angst-ridden blog, i really don't have much to report.

ick, still don't want to hear about your girlfriend.

i know just how she feels.

i did the exact same thing when i found out that m had found someone else. but the situation was reversed. i was the one who was dumped and she just jumped right into something else. just thinking about that still makes my stomach drop. like how could you be so inconsiderate, so cruel and so quick? even if you break up with someone, there is still a lingering of feeling there, so what the fuck did she do with that? ignore it? or was she over it months earlier and just waiting for her chance to get out? either way she made every possible wrong choice. she hurt me, and then rubbed it in my face. she said she wants to be friends and then makes no effort to prove it. no gesture beyond, "get your stuff out of my house." no communication. nothing. i have begun to understand why her previous girlfriends cheated on her. honestly, and i'm not saying that to be a spiteful bitch. but it makes more sense to me now. and why she doesn't talk to them all that much. i used to tell her i didn't like how she cut people out of her life, little did i know i would one day be on the other side of that fence. i guess a lesson here is to watch how someone treats their friends because that's how you will be treated too. she was all black and white. for or against.

full disclosure about why i am having a hard time packing up my stuff.
this is where it all fell apart. everything that i thought was true about my life, good and bad turned out to be false. i came up here with a little bit, just enough to live on. after she brokeup with me and i had to go down and get it, i just threw it in a closet and haven't done a single thing about it. i know there's things in there i don't want to look at. pictures, clothes and such. i just want to leave it all behind, an archaelogy of my time here. i want to travel unencumbered, shed that past like a skin.

all day long i've been flashing back to my dream from last night trying to figure out what it is that i'm feeling. and i think i've got it. abandoned. not in a super dramatic way, but a very distinct sense of someone that i loved turning away from me.

this is weird, for the first time i had a dream where it wasn't she and i together. it was her and some new girl. not the real one, but a dream stand-in. and it was awkward and i thought about leaving rotten eggs around their apartment but in the end i just decided to let it go. it wasn't totally happy, but not very unhappy either.

so she ims me to tell me that someone called for me on her number. and didn't leave a message. why do i care? and why do i fucking hate her so much. i just sat there looking at her im and thinking, it's better if i don't see her until i can look at her name without wanting to punch her in the face. better get over that.

i'm just feeling a little inadequate. i am tired. and i should not have read her blog. all together now. i know this. i'll try to be better in the future.
the funny thing is she was talking about rebound girl EXACTLY how she used to talk about me, as if she were THE ONE. the only person on the planet able to fulfill her emotional needs. it's a little creepy that she just slipped in there so quickly after me. and more than a little weird. but it effectively kills any fantasies i had about us getting back together. which is good i guess but explains the little dark cloud over my head the last few days. it will pass, but for now i'm annoyed.

let's be honest. as if i'm anything but in here. reading her blog actually didn't upset me as much as it could. i'm starting to feel the glimmerings of wanting her to be happy. instead of wanting her to fall off a building into a canal of raw sewage. i guess what has me more bummed is the feeling that what we had will not be duplicated. i've made this new friend that i want to hang out with when i get home but i'm feeling like i don't want to be in love right now. i don't want the pressure, the responsibility. i don't want to constantly measure that person up to her. that's not fair to anyone. and right now i don't think anyone would measure up anyways. but that's just me being pessimistic. but remind me, i don't want anymore casual relationships. i want friends. good ones who love and look after me. and i want to concentrate on my career. not on finding another relationship to screw up.

if i insist on reading her blog, and deliberately looking for posts about the rebound girl, at least i have cute, flirtatious emails from potential girls to quickly look at and make myself feel better.

a good friend of mine and his wife had their baby yesterday. i'm so excited for them. and of course i had to turn this a little inward on myself and how a year ago i thought that would be me and m. so pathetic. but i've been like that lately. turning every event or thought back to "US". as if any of it could happen again. or matters now.

except i guess it does matter to me, if i'm still thinking about it. i just want....i don't know. i went for a run this morning to try and figure it out. and had lots of conversations with myself and her while i was in the woods. and i know i don't want us the way we were. i love that i've rediscovered myself, after being in thrall to her. but i remember the promise, and the potential and the reality were all pretty damn good. i'll say again i didn't think our problems were that unsolvable. but i guess the only person i have to convince here is her. and i'm not sure i want to. my happiness is hard won these days, and i guess i assume that going back to her in any form would mean giving that up. which is a little dumb. and it's not like i think about this all the time. just as i'm going to sleep. it all rushes in on me. which is probably why i don't want to sleep right now. i don't know what i want frankly. i know i don't like having this uncertainty. but i think i want her rectify it. not me.