it's a tattoo, but it's also a talisman. for what i'm not sure. maybe to remind me of how much she hurt me, but also to remind me how wonderful things had to be for me to fall that far. to remind me to love deeply. that my heart is a muscle and will always heal. i'm not sure. but it's there and i feel better for it.

i am making a concerted effort (when i remember) to just try and let go of any resentment or anger or hurt that i still feel in regards to her. i think it's time for me to just move on. of course this isn't the easiest thing to do. i still google her once in a while, i looked at an archive from her blog and i swear the conversations she and her new girl are having are just as cute and dorky as the ones we had. and i wonder why she feels the need to put them up there. and i'm trying to figure out what bothers me about it. i don't want to get back together with her. i know that much. i guess it's just that by finding someone so quickly that makes her so happy, that seems to negate what we had. which isn't true. but it makes me feel that it is. so i feel jealous i guess that once again she gets what she wants and i am left out in the cold. i hate this part of the whole process when you really wish that the other person was missing you as much as you are them (at least the good parts.) so like i said, i'm trying to let all this go. i really am.

it was a pretty shitty birthday. my dad didn't even call me. and my family bought me things at the last minute. i'm not a big present hog, i really don't need anything. but i like a few well-chosen gifts that show that you know me. and these were not that. oh well. dinner out with the family was depressing and i couldn't tell you why. but i drove over to my friend's house afterward and i just burst into tears in the car. i think this is just one holiday season i will be glad to see the back of. i HATE being mopey. but it is hard to shake this time of the year. i don't want to be in love, i just want to feel like i'm doing something about all of this. and there's nothing i really can do. i don't want to call her. i don't want to talk to her or about her. i just want the memories to fade. i want to blow the world away with my amazing ideas. and if i don't work on this she will always be the elephant in the room. the one i never want to talk about or deal with. i don't know where she fits in my life. i am starting to question if what we had was ever really good for either of us. even though i know it was. but i'm not a person that enjoys being angry. i don't feed off of it. i like to deal with my issues. but right now there's a big heavy stone around my heart. and i can't just shake it off.