so i just came from picking up the last of my stuff from her place. i'm a wreck. again. i've felt really good about my decision since i made it, it's been a good feeling, freeing to walk around and not still feel tied to her. except that i am. and i know it. but i also know that all i ever wanted from her was for her to say, "you are the one i love, i want you in my life no matter what." but she never even came close. she equivocated, stalled, hemmed and hawed. she made promises she couldn't keep and broke the ones she did. she lied, she led me on, and she told me that she "just couldn't." i got none of the stability, respect and love i wanted and deserved. so why is it so hard for me to let go? because i think it really will be hard to find someone who fits as well as she did. we had so much fun, and as corny and typically lesbian as it sounds, she really was my best friend. and i don't know who to call or text when i see something funny, or when my day really sucks. she's the only person i want to call. i can be by myself now, i'm sort of resigned to it. but i don't like it at all.

it's really a matter of convenience. i tend to fall for the people closest to me because it's harder to go out and make that connection with someone new.

oh? you sleep in the bedroom next to mine? why don't you just sleep in my bed and that will be easier? yes? ok. good. now let's have amazing mindblowing sex with no commitment, but really, i'm getting attached the whole time and you break my heart when you leave or move on.

am i inventing drama. you bet. i love it a little. but i'm going to move. and keep my shit together. i'm not going to flirt. or prance around the apartment in little, tiny outfits that make you look twice. i'm not going to cook for you, or shave my legs for you, or stay at home and hope you come home to see me asleep all cute on the couch.

i am not going to do any of these things. because i am a grownup. and i am perfectly capable of finding love outside of my house. i promise.