i just don't want to care anymore. i don't want to have dreams about her or with her in it. i don't want to be in a funk when i see her picture. i don't want to mourn what was. i want to move on. i want this to be over with. and i keep thinking it is. until something little sends me reeling, into my own head, dreaming of the littlest bit of physical contact with her. i just want this all to be over.

the thing with this new girl is that she's great, i really enjoy spending time with her. i like that she's smart, and funny and a big dork. but there's no thunderclap, no poetry, no wooing, no grand sense that we are meant to be together. i just can't stop comparing how i felt when i first met m. i wish i knew if i would feel that way again. or if that was all an illusion. maybe we invented this great passion because we both needed it. i don't know. i just hope it's not. i hope i will feel that way again. and everything is still so unresolved for me because she never told me what she was actually feeling. and all that SHIT. and i wonder if that is because of where i am at. or where she is. or just that i'm not ready.

i went out to dinner with a mutual friend of ours this evening. and OF COURSE talk turned to her. i told myself on the way over that i wasn't going to talk about it, but i hadn't seen him since we had broken up and he was curious. so there we were. and he said some similar things to our other friend, that she seemed to have a very narrow area that she was comfortable in and that she could act like a human in and outside of that she couldn't function and was very rigid. i guess i am still surprised that everyone else was sensing these things. why couldn't i?
or maybe i couldn't because i never had enough distance until i was burned by it. it wasn't a stressful dinner by any means, but all of these observations are interesting to me. he also said that he seemed so confused by the way she did it too and disappointed. and this is a person she has helped a lot. so anyways.

the new person? still great? and getting greater. what's up with that? i was browsing friendster tonight and looked at her profile. of course. but i guess it's better than her blog. it's the equivalent of a driveby her house or something. i don't know. but her pictures made me feel all hateful and sad. i hate that. i just want to be able to either move on with this new person or not. without all of this baggage. i just wish i could hear from her. i guess anything would be nice. i just want to know how all of this made her feel. i want to tell her how i feel/felt. i don't know. i am so enjoying this new person in a serious, i might want to make this a bigger deal sorta way. and i don't want to screw it up because i'm still pining away. but i guess there's not a whole lot i can do about that. the second coming and all that.

bad news from my subconscious. last night i had a dream where i called her up just to hear her voice. and she wasn't completely mean or anything. we were both just a little guarded. and in my dream she was having a hard time at work and i wanted to tell her i cared. or something. ok. what's going on here. obviously still in love with the idea of her. even though i have this great new person. argh. what the hell am i supposed to do with that. i'm so happy to be home but i feel like i have this little shadow over my heart. i am so afraid that i will get hurt like that again. much more than i'm willing to admit apparently.