i just don't want to care anymore. i don't want to have dreams about her or with her in it. i don't want to be in a funk when i see her picture. i don't want to mourn what was. i want to move on. i want this to be over with. and i keep thinking it is. until something little sends me reeling, into my own head, dreaming of the littlest bit of physical contact with her. i just want this all to be over.

the thing with this new girl is that she's great, i really enjoy spending time with her. i like that she's smart, and funny and a big dork. but there's no thunderclap, no poetry, no wooing, no grand sense that we are meant to be together. i just can't stop comparing how i felt when i first met m. i wish i knew if i would feel that way again. or if that was all an illusion. maybe we invented this great passion because we both needed it. i don't know. i just hope it's not. i hope i will feel that way again. and everything is still so unresolved for me because she never told me what she was actually feeling. and all that SHIT. and i wonder if that is because of where i am at. or where she is. or just that i'm not ready.

i went out to dinner with a mutual friend of ours this evening. and OF COURSE talk turned to her. i told myself on the way over that i wasn't going to talk about it, but i hadn't seen him since we had broken up and he was curious. so there we were. and he said some similar things to our other friend, that she seemed to have a very narrow area that she was comfortable in and that she could act like a human in and outside of that she couldn't function and was very rigid. i guess i am still surprised that everyone else was sensing these things. why couldn't i?
or maybe i couldn't because i never had enough distance until i was burned by it. it wasn't a stressful dinner by any means, but all of these observations are interesting to me. he also said that he seemed so confused by the way she did it too and disappointed. and this is a person she has helped a lot. so anyways.

the new person? still great? and getting greater. what's up with that? i was browsing friendster tonight and looked at her profile. of course. but i guess it's better than her blog. it's the equivalent of a driveby her house or something. i don't know. but her pictures made me feel all hateful and sad. i hate that. i just want to be able to either move on with this new person or not. without all of this baggage. i just wish i could hear from her. i guess anything would be nice. i just want to know how all of this made her feel. i want to tell her how i feel/felt. i don't know. i am so enjoying this new person in a serious, i might want to make this a bigger deal sorta way. and i don't want to screw it up because i'm still pining away. but i guess there's not a whole lot i can do about that. the second coming and all that.

bad news from my subconscious. last night i had a dream where i called her up just to hear her voice. and she wasn't completely mean or anything. we were both just a little guarded. and in my dream she was having a hard time at work and i wanted to tell her i cared. or something. ok. what's going on here. obviously still in love with the idea of her. even though i have this great new person. argh. what the hell am i supposed to do with that. i'm so happy to be home but i feel like i have this little shadow over my heart. i am so afraid that i will get hurt like that again. much more than i'm willing to admit apparently.

ok, but i am a little scared about this person. not because of her. she's great. it's me i'm a little worried about. i'm still so mad and so bitter. and i wonder if i should wait for all that to pass. i know i won't. but i don't want it to affect my life, i just want to process it. my mom took me to the liquor store the other night (don't ask, whole other story) and for some reason i just sat there in the car and got all teary. not a lot, just a little. and i shook it off. i'm trying hard to live in the future, and not hold my present up against my past. but occasionally i will be reminded of something we used to do together, or i think, right now we would be doing xxx. and that makes me sad. so mostly i avoid it. so i guess my question is this: is it unfair to this new person to start something when i know i'm not completely healed? or ready?
i guess i'm going to find out because i'm not willing to put it on hold. it is moving nice and slow (at least for me) and that feels wonderful. kind of like high school where you can't do everything all at once. and the anticipation builds. that is fabulous. i'm just not going to think about all this crap anymore. and concentrate on what is good.

i just knew that being home would be good for me. seriously. i'm hardly thinking about you know who. and i met someone. someone pretty fucking fabulous, and NOTHING like m. which is great. i'm feeling a little shiftless at the moment, no job no money and lots of bills. but everything else is going great. i'm bonding with the famdamily. i really knew that being home would help me just center myself and calm down a little. so i guess if this is my angst-ridden blog, i really don't have much to report.

ick, still don't want to hear about your girlfriend.

i know just how she feels.

i did the exact same thing when i found out that m had found someone else. but the situation was reversed. i was the one who was dumped and she just jumped right into something else. just thinking about that still makes my stomach drop. like how could you be so inconsiderate, so cruel and so quick? even if you break up with someone, there is still a lingering of feeling there, so what the fuck did she do with that? ignore it? or was she over it months earlier and just waiting for her chance to get out? either way she made every possible wrong choice. she hurt me, and then rubbed it in my face. she said she wants to be friends and then makes no effort to prove it. no gesture beyond, "get your stuff out of my house." no communication. nothing. i have begun to understand why her previous girlfriends cheated on her. honestly, and i'm not saying that to be a spiteful bitch. but it makes more sense to me now. and why she doesn't talk to them all that much. i used to tell her i didn't like how she cut people out of her life, little did i know i would one day be on the other side of that fence. i guess a lesson here is to watch how someone treats their friends because that's how you will be treated too. she was all black and white. for or against.

full disclosure about why i am having a hard time packing up my stuff.
this is where it all fell apart. everything that i thought was true about my life, good and bad turned out to be false. i came up here with a little bit, just enough to live on. after she brokeup with me and i had to go down and get it, i just threw it in a closet and haven't done a single thing about it. i know there's things in there i don't want to look at. pictures, clothes and such. i just want to leave it all behind, an archaelogy of my time here. i want to travel unencumbered, shed that past like a skin.

all day long i've been flashing back to my dream from last night trying to figure out what it is that i'm feeling. and i think i've got it. abandoned. not in a super dramatic way, but a very distinct sense of someone that i loved turning away from me.

this is weird, for the first time i had a dream where it wasn't she and i together. it was her and some new girl. not the real one, but a dream stand-in. and it was awkward and i thought about leaving rotten eggs around their apartment but in the end i just decided to let it go. it wasn't totally happy, but not very unhappy either.

so she ims me to tell me that someone called for me on her number. and didn't leave a message. why do i care? and why do i fucking hate her so much. i just sat there looking at her im and thinking, it's better if i don't see her until i can look at her name without wanting to punch her in the face. better get over that.

i'm just feeling a little inadequate. i am tired. and i should not have read her blog. all together now. i know this. i'll try to be better in the future.
the funny thing is she was talking about rebound girl EXACTLY how she used to talk about me, as if she were THE ONE. the only person on the planet able to fulfill her emotional needs. it's a little creepy that she just slipped in there so quickly after me. and more than a little weird. but it effectively kills any fantasies i had about us getting back together. which is good i guess but explains the little dark cloud over my head the last few days. it will pass, but for now i'm annoyed.

let's be honest. as if i'm anything but in here. reading her blog actually didn't upset me as much as it could. i'm starting to feel the glimmerings of wanting her to be happy. instead of wanting her to fall off a building into a canal of raw sewage. i guess what has me more bummed is the feeling that what we had will not be duplicated. i've made this new friend that i want to hang out with when i get home but i'm feeling like i don't want to be in love right now. i don't want the pressure, the responsibility. i don't want to constantly measure that person up to her. that's not fair to anyone. and right now i don't think anyone would measure up anyways. but that's just me being pessimistic. but remind me, i don't want anymore casual relationships. i want friends. good ones who love and look after me. and i want to concentrate on my career. not on finding another relationship to screw up.

if i insist on reading her blog, and deliberately looking for posts about the rebound girl, at least i have cute, flirtatious emails from potential girls to quickly look at and make myself feel better.

a good friend of mine and his wife had their baby yesterday. i'm so excited for them. and of course i had to turn this a little inward on myself and how a year ago i thought that would be me and m. so pathetic. but i've been like that lately. turning every event or thought back to "US". as if any of it could happen again. or matters now.

except i guess it does matter to me, if i'm still thinking about it. i just want....i don't know. i went for a run this morning to try and figure it out. and had lots of conversations with myself and her while i was in the woods. and i know i don't want us the way we were. i love that i've rediscovered myself, after being in thrall to her. but i remember the promise, and the potential and the reality were all pretty damn good. i'll say again i didn't think our problems were that unsolvable. but i guess the only person i have to convince here is her. and i'm not sure i want to. my happiness is hard won these days, and i guess i assume that going back to her in any form would mean giving that up. which is a little dumb. and it's not like i think about this all the time. just as i'm going to sleep. it all rushes in on me. which is probably why i don't want to sleep right now. i don't know what i want frankly. i know i don't like having this uncertainty. but i think i want her rectify it. not me.

i've been dreaming lately of the stuff i've left behind. sometimes it's a book or a pillow or something like that. other times it's just her. i've been flashing back to good times and bad. i'm not sure if this is because this week has been so stressful and i would have liked someone i could talk to about it. or maybe i'm just moving into the wistful phase of all this. it's not too sad anymore. but i still wish i wasn't doing it. i came to another little conclusion the other day that i can only heal so much on my own. i can only go so far without an aknowledgment from her. so there will always be a little hole that she can only fill, be it with an apology or something else. i know that i will move on, in some ways i already have. but until i finish things with her that piece will always remain unresolved. and i'm in a quandry over what to do. i'm not sure if i should intiate contact or let her come to me. i can't decide so for now i'm doing nothing, and that's fine. i'm not in a hurry to figure it all out. i'm just letting it come, one painful memory at a time.

received the first nice, non-demanding stuff back email from her yesterday. and i was having a stressful day. and i kept thinking about it and smiling.
good lord. i'm ridiculous sometimes. as if a pleasant email means her intentions or feelings have changed. grow up. (that was for me.)

it's surely connected with my period. this desire to know what is up in her life or to resolve something in mine. today i woke up thinking that i should write her a letter. just saying basically all the shit i write in this blog, only toned down and edited a bit. just to say goodbye i can't have you in my life. but if you ever decide to wise up and become a nice person who can communicate with humans, please give me a call because despite all of the shit you threw my way, you rocked my world like no one else and i can't seem to forget how to love you.
bad idea, i know.
so i just read her blog. whatever. it's one day of moping, not too bad considering....