i think i need to stop thinking that everytime she reads my blog that that will be the turning point. because as mad as i am, i still would like to have her back in my life. of course i would also like to scream and yell and make her understand how much she's hurt me and how i think that she broke up with me so she could fool around with this new girl, and how that hurts more than anything. but i need to stop that. i can't dwell in that place, because as soon as i do i can feel all my energy just draining away and being replaced by this dark, crowded feeling. and i don't like that. when i am living in the future i'm doing fine, but i still just want to rail and throw things and make her sorry too.

haha, i thought i wouldn't be in writing in this one again. fooled even myself by breaking into tears in the fucking frozen food section today. i'm having my period, so i'm trying not to take anything so seriously. i just really sunk into the past there. which i've been trying not to do lately. looking towards the future, living in the moment. these are things i'm working on.
but i have no idea what set me off. but i cried a little went home and read and that was that. at least these episodes are farther apart now. and i'm still angry. that's good. and bad, because i'm trying to live with it but not in it. because it's no good being angry all the time. it actually saps my energy. but knowing that i'm angry doesn't. that feels good. weird distinction but there you are. just having a little sad moment. been reading a lot of books about people breaking up that make me feel better. it helps to see someone else's reaction to this situation. it would just help if i could make some new friends, not that the old ones aren't great, but i mean the kind of friends i could kiss. i feel lonely mostly. that's what i miss the most, the partner, the person always willing to listen to me and i could listen to her. i miss that everyday. well it seems like she's already replaced me but i don't have a replacement for her yet. oh well.

enjoy your fucking rebound girl. try not to contact me again, ok? i would prefer that you kept your guilt to yourself.

so working on the anger thing. saw a great movie about florida tonight and then came home and she imed me and then i saw on my blog counter that someone had been reading my blog through a really old archive of hers where she said i was the only one. fuck. anger was working really well. but then i was bawling again.

i am mad that we couldn't figure out how to love each other.i'm mad at myself, for not being able to read her mind, for not making her happy. i'm mad that i sold myself short, that i believed in this flawed version of myself, even while i knew it was complete bullshit. i'm mad that i turned into a submissive bitch. i'm mad that i didn't stand up for myself and what i wanted. i'm mad at her passive aggressive shit. i am so fucking furious about how she let things stay inside of her and didn't tell me. i'm mad that i may not ever find or want a place for her in my life again. i'm just mad that i still care so much.

blah blah blah blah blah angry blah blah blah blah sad-angry blah. that sums up my life and mood lately. not a lot to report, i've been concentrating on work to keep my mind off of it. and my library consumption is way way up which is how i can tell that i've got things to work out. i wish it would happen in my dreams lately, but i have been sleeping all the time and i never feel rested. yuck. well at least the sun is out and summer is almost here. that's good. but i'm still sort of wishful, and now even more angry. i hate this stage a lot. i don't want to acknowledge my anger. i rarely give it the space it needs to work itself out. i spent some time this weekend with a good friend who just listened to all of my incessant babbling about her. and she said that her first relationship with a woman was the same way. which made me feel good in one way but on the other hand i'd like to believe that what we had was rare and special (ie never before experienced), even though i know that's not only unlikely, but impossible. so i'm trying to just let it come to me, just bubble up through my sadness instead of festering and never resolving itself. i still have scenarios where i call her up and say something about wanting her in my life, blah blah blah. but they are more implausible by the day. and i have had to stop myself from checking her blog this week. i haven't yet, i just have to remind myself that i need to concentrate on my life right now. for now that's working.

the polka king of south seattle also rocks the house.

she used to make fun of me because i would cry or tear up at girls sporting events. and hey i laughed at myself while i was doing it. but the reason was that i would watch these young girls, so happy and good at something and imagine them one of them as our daughter. and that made me happy, enough to cry. well i don't really do that anymore, i just shoot it and leave it at that. no crying. no wishing. no dreaming.

today driving back from st. louis i had a huge crying fit in the car. and i'm not even sure why. i haven't done that in a week or so. and the good part was that i felt really disconnected from all of the things that have been bothering me, like i was crying, but i didn't feel the same pain in my chest. and yesterday as i was walking down by the river and the sun was shining i had this thought flash through my head, i don't want to be in any relationship right now. i don't know if that is actually how i feel, or just a glimpse of how i will feel soon. because i still miss her but maybe i'm just starting to miss the idea of her. because the reality is fading from my head right now.

so what to do about this general feeling of malaise when i first wake up. argh. yesterday was a lovely day as was the one before that. but now i'm just sort of wishing i could still wake up next to her. i don't know how to approach this. meaning, getting her back in my life. i am not really sure i want to be her friend if there isn't a possibility of something more. but i think being friends is important for us, or will be when i can do it. i'm still ultra jealous of anyone that gets to spend time with her these days. i'm not marking the hours like i was, but i have a general idea of what's going on in her life, and i miss her in mine. i haven't read her blog in over a week. and that feels healthy, even though i'm dying to know. it's funny that breaking up helped me to figure out all of these things about myself, and now i just want to call her up and say, you know i've got this down, can we figure out what we did wrong and give it another go? start over? that's what i'd like to say, but it's a little too soon for that.

and today i spent all day at home, and that lends a strangely detached sense to how i'm feeling. like i put on all this old music today, including a tracy chapman cd i haven't listened to i'm sure since my last relationship ended. and there's this one song about waiting and having a place in your heart and well. it was sad, but i felt maybe i had turned a corner. (ask me tomorrow after i've actually left the house). and that doesn't mean that i don't still love her and want us to figure out shit out, because i still do. of course. but i guess, maybe i let go a little more today. i'm not sure why.

i don't even know what to say about how i feel right now. this keeps happening. a sort of vague sense of panic about what has happened and what may still happen. like i said yesterday, it's funny how i can separate myself from all of it, and then just as quickly be plunged back in again. it's funny how i think that she's not feeling anything, and i don't know if she is or not. but i'm painting her in my head as the happy dumper. she's rid herself of me, the dead weight and is free to pursue her carefree, fun-filled life. and yes i know it's a whole lot more complicated than that. but i miss very much being part of a couple, a pair, a team. i used to be so frightened of it, and she showed me how not to be, or we learned together. and now i find that i still like being by myself, still enjoy my own company, but i miss hers. i am desperate in my desire to have her here for a few hours. i imagine all the time that she surprises me at my doorstep. just to talk. or hug. just to know that there is a place in her life that can be filled by no one but me. that's what i want, some validation of the loss that i am feeling. i mean, i can't be the only one, right?

david holloway rocks my world.

part of my reluctance to spend more time with d is that we end up doing all of the things that m and i used to do together and that's more than a little depressing. i mean we watch queer as folk, cook dinner, plan activities. it's actually a little strange. so i guess it's nice that she's away for a few days.

another dream! i haven't detailed them here yet because they are all so similar. us in some situation where she tells me that she loves me. only last night she spooned me, hugged me tight and said, i can't believe i almost lost you. wishful thinking to the max. she used to tell me that i didn't know how much she loved me, as a joke, that she loved me more. and i'm thinking, no way. and now i don't know which one of us was right, and yes i know it doesn't fucking matter, but i'm still here loving her, and she's loving me (in a weird, breaking up with me sorta way) and i think i win this particular one. but who fucking cares. this dream rocked. so lovely, we were in a bed in a hotel lobby, don't ask me why. and she asked me to put on sexy lingerie, but then we couldn't find the exact ones she wanted me to wear and that was hilarious for some reason and we ended up forgoing it anyways. the best part about these dreams is that they don't have any of the weirdness that we had when we were together, no strange feelings about photography, no jealousy or resentment (real or imagined).
just love. and i know that on some level they are true. that they are a reflection of the love that we both still have for each other. even if they are not an actual representation of our relationship right now (not by a mile). but i'm hanging my proverbial hat on the slimmest of pegs these days. i know she checks my blog every day or so. and i guess i am going to have to be ok with that limited amount of contact. it's all i've got frankly.

and now that we are apart, all the dreams we dreamt together crystallise and become so very clear. like i was in a cemetary yesterday, on my non-perfectionist photo hunt and i realized that we had always talked about growing old together, but here were people who actually did. and were buried next to each other. and i knew, like i know nothing else these days, that that is still what i want. and i want to make her want it too. but i can't will her into loving me that way again. or can i? can the psychic vibes of my love reverbate all the way down there and she will feel them in her bones and come running back?

in my dreams we are still together. so either my subconscious hasn't gotten the message. or it knows something i don't. or it just refuses to give up, which i guess amounts to the same thing. knowing that i love her. still. my soulmate. and i need to move on. i know it. i don't want this melancholy to calcify around me and years from now i will realize that i haven't moved on. josh is right. i have to operate as if we are never getting back together. which is contrary to everything in my very cells right now. and the funny thing is the deeper i delve into this, these lovely dreams of the future where we are together, the less i want to contact the real life her. i don't want to know what she is doing or thinking, really. i want to have my ideas of that and just operate on fantasy for a little while. i don't want to know who she's moving on with, not at all.

there are times, in every single day, when i know that this is the hardest thing i've ever done. which makes me realize that i was lucky to have loved as deeply as i did. but that doesn't make it any easier.

i had an orgasm that made me cry yesterday. and not in a good way. guess why.

i've been having a rough time of it since i read her blog yesterday. i so wish i hadn't done that. i knew it was going to make me crazy and it has. it's a whole lot easier to pretend that she's sad and missing me when i'm not reading her entries and reading a whole lot into them. like about how she has something on her heart that she's waiting to tell everyone. and i can just bet that it is not how she wants to get back together with me, or how she's made a huge mistake by breaking up with me. so i've been driving myself crazy. because i know she's met someone. and that probably hurts more than anything. so i'm on my crying jag again. and i'm definite about not reading it for a while. even though i said i wasn't going to before, now i know for sure that it's not a good idea. it's just a hard thing for me to do, to disentangle my heart from hers, and my life. we were so integrated. so in each other's life. and i miss that. i miss having someone i can tell all the stupid stuff that happens in my day. and i miss having someone to talk to about the things that drive me crazy. and i miss hearing about her day and her life. so in other words, i'm starting this day off on the wrong foot by crying over my computer.

i really hate this. i can be so floored by the merest hint of something about her. out of nowhere i'm crying in the bathroom. i just want it to not hurt. when i was in illinois this weekend all stacey had to do was mention her and that set me off. i mean i don't know what i want, except for all of this to stop hurting. if we could just be together, in a way that is good. i think i need to be serious about not looking at her blog. because if i just ignore this hole inside of me long enough, hopefully it will scab over and i will be on with my fabulous life without her.