is it really any surprise when you read the posts below that i'm not even close to be over her. i know she's going on with her life, she's happier, calmer and whatever without me. but i'm having some serious problems just processing this. i can go on with my life, but i know that i will be missing her.
here's my case for us:
i loved and still love her.
i know things weren't perfect the last few months, but i believe that we, the us that we believed in so passionately, is still there.
i love her passion for life, and photography, i love that she knows what she wants and how she goes after it. i love her laugh, and the way she teased me every night when she got into bed. i love that she laughed at my jokes. i loved the feel of her body curled up against mine. i love how she wooed me, and her complete lack of awareness about her own beauty.
i didn't love how she could just clam up sometimes, go all cold and not communicate. in fact, i really didn't love that she never told me how badly i had hurt her. what happened was what i had always feared, that she would just let my misdeeds pile up until they reached the breaking point and not tell me about it. i knew we were not working perfectly lately. i certainly wasn't blind to that fact. but i wish that we had talked about it. if only to dissolve everything mutually, although i know i would have fought for us too. i wish i wasn't sitting here wondering if i will ever meet someone like her again. i know i won't. and i wouldn't want to. i want her. i still do. i absolutely believe that we were good for each other.
but that doesn't mean that we always were, and that's how relationships work, and i wish you understood that.
because you told me sometimes that you didn't think you were the right person for me,
well the right person for me will love me unconditionally, support me with actions and not just words, be there with a hug and an open heart when i get into a mood, and is willing to be silly with me, is someone i love coming home to, the right person will be come with me on my journey, and will want to know me as i grow and change and learn. and she did all of those things at one time or another.
i get the feeling you are afraid, afraid of something. that you never told me. and i'm not a mindreader, but i felt that you wanted me to be. i was never afraid to work on us, and maybe you were. i just wish i had fought harder, i don't know what i could have done, but i wish i had done it. because i still think we were meant to be. i don't feel that you are out of my life yet, and i think you feel that way too. i mean, the way you reacted over my email was like i had dumped you. it made me feel somewhat better to know that this is hard for you too. because when it comes to this you are a fucking ice princess, i can't tell what you want, or need, or anything. and you surprised me with how hurt you were, and i remembered that i used to be able to tell how you were feeling from the sound of your voice. like the night you didn't get detroit. and all i could think about was that i needed to give you a hug and tell you how wonderful you were. i felt more than anything that you were cutting me out of your photographic life, and that made me jealous. you alwasy wanted us to share in that way, but i wanted to be privy to your thoughts and actions in that respect. like if you found some new photo site, or photographer, i wanted to be the first to see it or hear it from you. i wanted us to be excited about things in the way we used to be. i didn't want to be jealous or feel inferior. not at all. i wish you hadn't given up on us. i wish you had fought. i know you are tired, but i keep thinking if i could take you back to those first few months (or even, the first year and a half) and take you to one of our good memories, where we were working for each other and not against. i think i could change your mind. convince you we were worth it. not even as we were, but a new and better combination of the two of us.

she told me that i will make it tonight. that i have the drive. and that she thinks it would be amazing for us to work together, with someone that is a part of your life and you are inspired by. also that she felt the same way in school, wanting to be making good pictures everyday.

Spoke: too spend the rest of my life with her and make her as happy as possible

jester: are you still there?
Spoke: yes
Spoke: thinking lovely dirty thougths
jester: oooh, like what?
Spoke: nothing nevermind.
jester: no way, i'm not letting you get away with that.
jester: just a hint, please?
Spoke: haha. i never thought the word strap-on would come out of my mouth, let alone enter my mind in visual form.
jester: wow
jester: that's awesome.
jester: i thought you were intimidated by all the equipment
Spoke: oh i completely am, and things that resemble peni.
jester: why, exactly?
jester: i admit i am too
Spoke: i've never had one near me. nor do i want one in my vicinity. and hate thinking of things in terms of male/female. or round peg/square hole kinda situations.
jester: ok.
Spoke: although the fact that it just entered my fantasy was entertaining.
jester: would you like to act on this fantasy?
Spoke: maybe. it invovled the two of us on a public street, up against some bulding, and no one knew what was going on. everyone just thought we were kissing.
jester: again
jester: wow
jester: this requires a skirt.
Spoke: lol
Spoke: it required pants and boxers here. lol
jester: yes.
jester: skirt for me.
Spoke: yes yes

tonight:
what she wants:
for me to restore her faith in people, and love and relationships.
for us to be as good as friends as lovers.
yes.

jester: why hello.
Spoke: HI!!!!!
jester: how are you?
Spoke: missing you terribly
jester: awww.
jester: me too.
jester: how was alexis?
Spoke: oh fine we went out to hear chuck and chris and with our friends sarah and jason
jester: very fun.
jester: i made fun of frat boys.
jester: and had a very personal moment with chimay.
Spoke: chimay?
Spoke: personal?
jester: chimay is a wonderful belgian ale made by trappist monks.
jester: relax.
jester: a lovely one.
jester: a personal one.
Spoke: and yes, i know chimay, with the red and white label
jester: oooh, smarty pants
jester: guess what
Spoke: if you met my dad you'd understand
Spoke: what
jester: what?

Spoke: the love of all things alcohol
jester: not all things. just chimay. my dad loves it too.
jester: why do i think our fathers would really get along?
Spoke: my dad's a beer connoseur. (sp?)
Spoke: and what am i guessing?
jester: mine too.
jester: oh yes.
jester: i want to be in the same zip code, room, bed, as you right now.
Spoke: i want that too
jester: soon soon
Spoke: i want to hold you and plant sweet little kisses on your forehead right now
jester: only on my forehead?
Spoke: that's the shy side talking
jester: i know. my naughty side is teasing it.
Spoke: sarah and alexis can't wait to meet you.
Spoke: heehe
jester: oh really? what have you been telling them?
Spoke: how perfect you are for me
jester: i noticed i was made number 5
Spoke: alexis has been adamant about finding the perfect girl for me, she's always got her eyes open. lol. and you are everything i've been looking for. she was surprised that you existed. lol
jester: would you please explain the perfectness please?
jester: as in why?
Spoke: why are you the ideal one.
jester: yes.
Spoke: is that the question?
jester: yes
Spoke: that's easy.
jester: really?
Spoke: intelligent. well-read. interesting. fun. brown hair. beautiful.
jester: oh is that all?
jester:
Spoke: that was my list for alexis
Spoke: she's been on that list for years now.
Spoke: lol
jester: how am i ever going to live up to all the advance hype?
Spoke: haha, you do.
Spoke: not to worry.
jester: i'll be ugly, and especially stupid.
Spoke: not possible.
Spoke: sorry
Spoke: she came close once. called me up all excited from gainesville... saying i've found the one. then she talked to her a few days later, and retracted that statement, saying , ya know, she's just not going to match-up intellectually.
jester: you're making me giggle
Spoke: good
jester: brown hair was on the list?
Spoke: you need to gigle more that's why i'm here
Spoke: giggle that is
Spoke: and yes, brown hair is on the list
Spoke: so was beautiful
jester: argh
jester: so when this momentuous meeting finally takes place, do i get to tell her why you are like the best christmas gift i've never gotten
Spoke: early, too!
prodigaljester: exactly.
Spoke: so why
Spoke: heehee
Spoke: my turn to giggle uncontrollably
jester: gentle, knows exactly what i need, sweet, sexy hands, beautiful, and with eyes i could drown in
Spoke: awww
jester: not afraid to be a dork with me, can hold an intelligent conversation, loves to read (i'll forgive the kerouac), and will giggle with me as long as i want...
jester: btw, for your last list of seven, i can help you out with numbers 1,2, 4, and god i hope so 7.
Spoke: i adore you for that. =)
Spoke: thank you
jester: you're welcome
jester: i'm going to suffocate if i don't get down to florida soon.
Spoke: did you learn anything new from that list
jester: yes. i certainly did.
jester: most importantly, we have too much in common to not be together.
Spoke: =)
Spoke: you know why i like you so much?
jester: no.
Spoke: the mention of your name, the rereading of emails from you or postcards from you or hearing your voice on the phone makes me smile on the inside.
Spoke: nobody else makes me feel this way
jester: i feel like such a goober, to say, yes, me too.
jester: no one ever has.
Spoke: not as a constant, no
jester: no....
jester: and now?
Spoke: and now what.
jester: yes.
Spoke: i'm confused, i'm sorry. hold my hand thru this
jester: i'll always hold your hand. i just am having a hard time thinking about going to bed alone...
Spoke: i hear ya
jester: yes.

Spoke: so cute you are
jester: please, you are so much more.
jester: cute that is.
Spoke: e*** i like you so much
Spoke: so so much
jester: i like my sweet m****** very very much.