this is weird, for the first time i had a dream where it wasn't she and i together. it was her and some new girl. not the real one, but a dream stand-in. and it was awkward and i thought about leaving rotten eggs around their apartment but in the end i just decided to let it go. it wasn't totally happy, but not very unhappy either.

so she ims me to tell me that someone called for me on her number. and didn't leave a message. why do i care? and why do i fucking hate her so much. i just sat there looking at her im and thinking, it's better if i don't see her until i can look at her name without wanting to punch her in the face. better get over that.

i'm just feeling a little inadequate. i am tired. and i should not have read her blog. all together now. i know this. i'll try to be better in the future.
the funny thing is she was talking about rebound girl EXACTLY how she used to talk about me, as if she were THE ONE. the only person on the planet able to fulfill her emotional needs. it's a little creepy that she just slipped in there so quickly after me. and more than a little weird. but it effectively kills any fantasies i had about us getting back together. which is good i guess but explains the little dark cloud over my head the last few days. it will pass, but for now i'm annoyed.

let's be honest. as if i'm anything but in here. reading her blog actually didn't upset me as much as it could. i'm starting to feel the glimmerings of wanting her to be happy. instead of wanting her to fall off a building into a canal of raw sewage. i guess what has me more bummed is the feeling that what we had will not be duplicated. i've made this new friend that i want to hang out with when i get home but i'm feeling like i don't want to be in love right now. i don't want the pressure, the responsibility. i don't want to constantly measure that person up to her. that's not fair to anyone. and right now i don't think anyone would measure up anyways. but that's just me being pessimistic. but remind me, i don't want anymore casual relationships. i want friends. good ones who love and look after me. and i want to concentrate on my career. not on finding another relationship to screw up.

if i insist on reading her blog, and deliberately looking for posts about the rebound girl, at least i have cute, flirtatious emails from potential girls to quickly look at and make myself feel better.

a good friend of mine and his wife had their baby yesterday. i'm so excited for them. and of course i had to turn this a little inward on myself and how a year ago i thought that would be me and m. so pathetic. but i've been like that lately. turning every event or thought back to "US". as if any of it could happen again. or matters now.

except i guess it does matter to me, if i'm still thinking about it. i just want....i don't know. i went for a run this morning to try and figure it out. and had lots of conversations with myself and her while i was in the woods. and i know i don't want us the way we were. i love that i've rediscovered myself, after being in thrall to her. but i remember the promise, and the potential and the reality were all pretty damn good. i'll say again i didn't think our problems were that unsolvable. but i guess the only person i have to convince here is her. and i'm not sure i want to. my happiness is hard won these days, and i guess i assume that going back to her in any form would mean giving that up. which is a little dumb. and it's not like i think about this all the time. just as i'm going to sleep. it all rushes in on me. which is probably why i don't want to sleep right now. i don't know what i want frankly. i know i don't like having this uncertainty. but i think i want her rectify it. not me.

i've been dreaming lately of the stuff i've left behind. sometimes it's a book or a pillow or something like that. other times it's just her. i've been flashing back to good times and bad. i'm not sure if this is because this week has been so stressful and i would have liked someone i could talk to about it. or maybe i'm just moving into the wistful phase of all this. it's not too sad anymore. but i still wish i wasn't doing it. i came to another little conclusion the other day that i can only heal so much on my own. i can only go so far without an aknowledgment from her. so there will always be a little hole that she can only fill, be it with an apology or something else. i know that i will move on, in some ways i already have. but until i finish things with her that piece will always remain unresolved. and i'm in a quandry over what to do. i'm not sure if i should intiate contact or let her come to me. i can't decide so for now i'm doing nothing, and that's fine. i'm not in a hurry to figure it all out. i'm just letting it come, one painful memory at a time.

received the first nice, non-demanding stuff back email from her yesterday. and i was having a stressful day. and i kept thinking about it and smiling.
good lord. i'm ridiculous sometimes. as if a pleasant email means her intentions or feelings have changed. grow up. (that was for me.)

it's surely connected with my period. this desire to know what is up in her life or to resolve something in mine. today i woke up thinking that i should write her a letter. just saying basically all the shit i write in this blog, only toned down and edited a bit. just to say goodbye i can't have you in my life. but if you ever decide to wise up and become a nice person who can communicate with humans, please give me a call because despite all of the shit you threw my way, you rocked my world like no one else and i can't seem to forget how to love you.
bad idea, i know.
so i just read her blog. whatever. it's one day of moping, not too bad considering....

goals for this year:

get a job, get a kickass new apartment or house, hopefully with kickass roomies, and buy a super kickass sex toy so you can ignore the sorry state of your love life and get your own damn rocks off.

that is all.

i just need to say goodbye. let it go. let her go.

what i keep coming back to, every time i think about having her in my life again, is that she never apologized, and never explained. i'm not someone who holds a grudge very well. i want to forgive, but i just can't find a reason to in this case. i never heard her acknowledge that we were both at fault here. she made me feel like it was all me. so now i want to let go and move on and i'm finding it hard because i am still so mad about what she did.

though i try not to dwell on things that have happened, and to outward appearances iit looks like i'm over all of this, there are times when the anger and sadness just bubbles up inside me unbidden. i don't want it to. and i try and push it away. but i've been thinking a lot about the possibility of friends. and i believe my first instinct was correct. i don't want to be friends with someone who does not have the decency to break up with me in person. i don't want to be friends with someont who will not or cannot communicate her feelings to me. and i certainly don't want to be friends with anyone who already cut me out of her life so ruthlessly.
but that doesn't mean i don't long for those days, before everything got this way.

what else i got?
i've got two years worth of bottled up emotions and steaming rage to throw at your lying, cowardly face.
i've got oodles of talent to take me further than you ever thought i could go.
and i've got a nice strong fist to shove up your ass because you fucking drive me crazy.

my needs right now are simple: stability, a home, a place to grow, and heal and the time and space to do it in. someone to love would be nice, but for now i'm filling that role, and that suits me just fine. oh and a garden.

Even her cries of passion follow a certain order,
one after the other:
tame dove, then wild dove,
then peacock, wounded peacock, peacock, peacock,
the wild dove, tame dove, dove dove
thrush, thrush, thrush.

A precise woman: on the bedroom carpet
her shoes always point away from the bed.
(My own shoes point toward it.)

you know, i often wish that people would surprise me. i wish that m would send me a letter or email or even call and tell me how she is feeling, and why she did this. i spend a lot of time imagining these scenarios. it's not that i want them to do all the work. i try to break out of the mold and surprise people too. it's just that i want to know. i want closure. but i should know better. a made me listen to this american life today, the show called "get over it" and the host ira glass describes getting over a breakup like this, "no one knows when it will happen, it's like the second coming of christ." i guess that's true. i don't know. i've made all the positive choices i can for myself in this situation, i feel happy and healthier than i have in a long time, but i am still not over it. i'm tired of the wanting and the wondering. i'm tired of thinking about her. i can stop it sometimes, but there are other when images come to me unbidden.

tonight b was talking about hotel rooms. and i remembered the time i drove all the way down to be with her while she was working in md. it was awesome. i just remember making love in that room and going to sleep knowing that she loved me. and then waking up and seeing this beautiful light in the room on her back. i took a picture that she had framed. i don't know. i just want to box up all of these memories, file them under "a good two years" and move on. only then will i be able to fully dedicate myself to another person or even begin to think about having her back in my life. it really bothers me that she wants to move into friends mode as quickly as she did. it makes me feel like what we had didn't matter to her at all, that she can just get over it and be friends. for me it's not so easy. i need to process, analyze and agonize before i can even decide if that's what i want. and i'm not sure it is. i love hard and i fall just as hard. i just know i need/want to get over this. soon.

so people are still finding my blog through her archives. the ones where she talks about me as the one, or her "best girlfriend." and it hurts less than it used to. when she first broke up with me i could mark the time during my day by what i knew she was doing. if it was noon, she was probably just waking up, and so on. well i don't do that anymore. but every once in a while i wonder what she is thinking. probably the weirdest part of this whole process is how incredibly silent she has been. she emailed me her breakup and then that was it. nothing, no discussion. decision made. but i've already talked about that. so now i wonder if she's had second thoughts. if, during the course of her day, she ever finds herself wishing i was around. or if situations arise where she would like to call me up and talk about it. because i do. not constantly anymore. but once in a while. my anger is fading and is being replaced by good memories mostly. i still don't think i would like to be in touch with her. i mean, i would need an apology and some serious discussion before i would let her back in my life. but that presupposes that she wants to be there, which she clearly doesn't. i don't know. mostly i just wonder if she regrets her decision, or how she went about it. i wonder if she wishes she had treated me better. and i really hope so.

so what do i do about the fact that there is still a hole in my life where she used to be? i can make all of these pronouncements, about my life, about how i feel, and have them be true, but the fact remains that i loved her as a friend, and as someone important in my life. i guess i'm just supposed to move on. yep, that's exactly it. i'm not supposed to dwell, i'm just supposed to cover that space up with a bandaid and hope that maybe someday it will be filled by her or someone else. it's too bad really. because now i'm at the stage where i'm remembering how wonderful it was to have someone to talk to every day. and i wonder if she misses that too. being plugged into someone you love, connected.

it's like i've stopped caring in the last couple of days. i no longer look at myself and think, here is the girl who was dumped. or here is her ex. i am just seeing myself.
i went up to jen's cabin the other night, i needed a vacation from my vacation. and a little sex. i drank entirely too many whiskey and cokes, not enough to get sick, but a lot. and had some amazing sex. which is funny considering. and we talked, and i finally said explicitly that i don't want to be dating anyone right now, i just want to have fun and fool around. and i know she likes me and would like more, but won't ever ask for it because of what i said. she also said that this felt like the last time. which is odd too because i was thinking of cutting myself off. she's become this knee-jerk reaction and i can't say no. but it was a lot of fun and i had to leave early in the morning which sucked. i just remember feeling like the elephant had left the bedroom. it was probably all the alcohol, but i didn't feel like i had to compare her to m any longer. and that just opened me up to let things with her be the way they are. she's not someone i would ever date, but i believe that she deserves more than my partial attention when i'm with her. so i gave it to her. and it rocked.