i miss her.
and i'm mad at her for leading me on. for giving me hope where there really isn't any. i should have listened the first time she told me that she didn't have room in her new life for me. i should have distanced myself then and left on good terms. but now we are both in this bind. it's like a said tonight, that not hearing from her is like she's sending me a message. i'm just too heartsick to hear it. fuck.

so i feel a lot like i did when we first got together. i don't know what is going to happen, i can only feel my way through unfamiliar territory. i don't want to be a partial person in her life. i want her to want me in 100%. i don't want to be always skirting the edges, periphery. but i don't want to be inpatient either. this is going to take a little time. and i'm willing to see it through. i went out tonight and i was talking about girls i dated last year, and looking for someone new, or someone i had connected with before. but it was clearly hollow. every person i saw reminded me of her. i bumped into a fat girl and thought, oh it looks like b's sister. i kept thinking the music would be just up her alley. and how she would hug me from behind and press her cheek to my sweaty back and not care if i stunk or was all wet. i just miss her. it's soon, but i feel already like cutting it off. talking just reminds me that my best friend and partner is gone. and only serves to remind me of the hole in my life right now.