i know i love her. that's not the problem. the circumstances are. the fact that she's leaving. and leaving me. for once i'm in that position. is it some sort of karmic payback. all the girls and boys that i've left before rearing up to bite me in the ass. just when i've found someone i think might be it. i'm too jaded and cynical adn let's face it still pretty hurt by m's breakup to believe in true love or meant to be. but i believe in hard work. i believe in knowing what i see in someone's actions. i believe in making an effort to be honest about my feelings. so i tell her when i'm mad and she can take it because she's a grownup. so why am i so cranky? is it because she's going to be successful and i'm stuck in a job that seems to be going nowhere? or have i made my peace with that? is it because i'm finally stable and in one place and now here comes my old friend change trying to fuck it up again. is it because i absolutely know i can't do a long distance relationship again. and why should i have to? why should i settle for less? i want her here. i want to wake up next to her and see her face. i want to eat breakfast at 3 in the morning with her and watch dumb movies while she rubs my head in her lap. i don't want to be on the phone or wondering why she didn't call. i don't want to travel out there all the time and feel like the center of my life is somewhere else. i want her to come to me. i want for once, soemone to come to me. someone to make sacrifices to be with me. i want to be worth it to someone.