oy with the girls. i've been tormented lately by relationships going wrong. it all goes back to her. i was telling l today how i drove away from her house knowing, absolutely, like i've never known anything in my life, that she was the woman i was supposed to marry. and she felt the same way about me. we both fell hard, believed hard. and to be yanked out of that so violently and in such a disgusting way just calls into question everything i ever felt aobut her. i wonder if she lied to me about how she felt, becuase she felt an obligation to keep the myth going. i think every couple does this. creates a mythology of how they met and fell in love and why it's the most perfect thing in the world. and it is. because this is a story we never get tired of hearing., this is the music we hear. as we bounch down the street oblivious to everything but LOVE! we sacrifice all on its altar. so how do you recover from the disease of love? how do you mkae your body fit to walk and talk and eat again? by ignoring love, by pretending it does not exist. and disdaining its very presence. but it's like malaria, a disease of the bloog and never fully eradicated. i wake in fevered dreams panting for her touch. and stare at crooks of elbows that look like hers and stop in the street when i smell her scent. i boil with rage at her picture, but wake in sweet panic after i dream her tongue on mine. it never goes away. i want her, if only to explain. i want to be done with it. i want to move on and prove my worthiness and lovability with a new person. i don't want to constantly look over my shoulder, or even to use her as my vengeful stepping stone. i just want to live apart from her. but just because you cut off that limb of love and cauterize that scar doesn't mean you don't drag it around behind you for the rest of your life.