it's like a black, nasty, syrupy feeling in my stomach. when i think of her or see her picture. it's a wave of sludge and i have to wait for it to pass. i don't hate her, i just can't get past the hurt. and i want to so badly. i just don't want to think about her anymore. how many times and ways can i say it?

i guess i still want to be that person to her, the one. there are days when i feel connected to her somehow, and then there are days when i think it's probably all just a crock of shit. she's moved on. i wonder if my current relationship is here to show me what she felt like in our relationship, always pulling back, never really loving me the way i loved her. i don't know. but i feel like i have a better insight into her character now. and i can honestly say that i hate her. i've been trying to deny it, and i would like to get over it. but it's a stumbling block i cannot get get around or over or through. i told someone the other day about my tattoo, someone i haven't seen in a while. and i explained it like this: that i must have been incredibly lucky and happy and in love to have been so destroyed by the end of it all. and that's what i try to remember. this is not something that i think about everyday anymore. i feel so happy most of the time that when this funk comes over me i realize i've forgotten how to talk myself out of it. i am a happier, better person. i am more mature, more caring, and certainly more cynical. but i'm the better for all of it. mostly. i want this black mark to be erased. i want to be able to open myself up again and love someone totally. but i guess it won't be happening anytime soon.