so this was the first month i didn't look at her journal when i got all pms-y and sad. and it passed without a huge amount of sadness. so i'm feeling better. but i blew up at my mom the other day. completely misplaced anger. and a friend showed up in town and i was eager to show how over her i was, but i ended up telling him that i really just wanted an apology from her. and you know, the truth is that i'm very righteous in my anger. it has a shape, a real palpable feeling in my chest. and i don't want that. i went out last night and got drunk so i could forget about my life for a moment. and i woke up next to a really fabulous girl that i just can't seem to connect with no matter how many drinks i have or times i fuck her. and it just hit me like a 10-ton hangover. i have to let go. sounds like a simple revelation, but it felt pretty huge at 5am. i have to accept the fact that i may never make this right with her. i have to let go of the last ties to her that i have, and that's my anger. because then i will always be wanting, searching for her in someone else. and that's not fair to anyone. i can't say this is going to be easy. but if i live my life looking backwards i'm never going to get anywhere.

someone asked me the other day if this new person was making me happy. and i thought for a moment and said, i think it's me that's making myself happy.

exactly

i was cleaning off my computer today adn found a bunch of ims from you know who. including one that was after we broke up in jan. of last year. and it was interesting to read. because in it it sounds like she is really asking me if i'm happy. and i keep evading the question. i mean i said i was, but i think we both know i wasn't. and in some ways this decision has really freed me to be happy. but i can't help but be nostalgic for the time when we were happy together. and a tiny part of me wants her back in my life. i even thought about just iming her and asking what was going on in her life. i'm trying to forgive her for how she treated me but i also need to forgive myself for the way i treated her and how i treated myself. so i guess that was my rant for the day.