is it really any surprise when you read the posts below that i'm not even close to be over her. i know she's going on with her life, she's happier, calmer and whatever without me. but i'm having some serious problems just processing this. i can go on with my life, but i know that i will be missing her.
here's my case for us:
i loved and still love her.
i know things weren't perfect the last few months, but i believe that we, the us that we believed in so passionately, is still there.
i love her passion for life, and photography, i love that she knows what she wants and how she goes after it. i love her laugh, and the way she teased me every night when she got into bed. i love that she laughed at my jokes. i loved the feel of her body curled up against mine. i love how she wooed me, and her complete lack of awareness about her own beauty.
i didn't love how she could just clam up sometimes, go all cold and not communicate. in fact, i really didn't love that she never told me how badly i had hurt her. what happened was what i had always feared, that she would just let my misdeeds pile up until they reached the breaking point and not tell me about it. i knew we were not working perfectly lately. i certainly wasn't blind to that fact. but i wish that we had talked about it. if only to dissolve everything mutually, although i know i would have fought for us too. i wish i wasn't sitting here wondering if i will ever meet someone like her again. i know i won't. and i wouldn't want to. i want her. i still do. i absolutely believe that we were good for each other.
but that doesn't mean that we always were, and that's how relationships work, and i wish you understood that.
because you told me sometimes that you didn't think you were the right person for me,
well the right person for me will love me unconditionally, support me with actions and not just words, be there with a hug and an open heart when i get into a mood, and is willing to be silly with me, is someone i love coming home to, the right person will be come with me on my journey, and will want to know me as i grow and change and learn. and she did all of those things at one time or another.
i get the feeling you are afraid, afraid of something. that you never told me. and i'm not a mindreader, but i felt that you wanted me to be. i was never afraid to work on us, and maybe you were. i just wish i had fought harder, i don't know what i could have done, but i wish i had done it. because i still think we were meant to be. i don't feel that you are out of my life yet, and i think you feel that way too. i mean, the way you reacted over my email was like i had dumped you. it made me feel somewhat better to know that this is hard for you too. because when it comes to this you are a fucking ice princess, i can't tell what you want, or need, or anything. and you surprised me with how hurt you were, and i remembered that i used to be able to tell how you were feeling from the sound of your voice. like the night you didn't get detroit. and all i could think about was that i needed to give you a hug and tell you how wonderful you were. i felt more than anything that you were cutting me out of your photographic life, and that made me jealous. you alwasy wanted us to share in that way, but i wanted to be privy to your thoughts and actions in that respect. like if you found some new photo site, or photographer, i wanted to be the first to see it or hear it from you. i wanted us to be excited about things in the way we used to be. i didn't want to be jealous or feel inferior. not at all. i wish you hadn't given up on us. i wish you had fought. i know you are tired, but i keep thinking if i could take you back to those first few months (or even, the first year and a half) and take you to one of our good memories, where we were working for each other and not against. i think i could change your mind. convince you we were worth it. not even as we were, but a new and better combination of the two of us.